03 April 2011

And here you all are, thinking after all this time, I'd be strong enough already ^^"

The title is a little misleading, but I'll get to the point soon :) So today I had a little meltdown when I went to easties.. I guess all the memories started coming back to me as I lined up with my mum to order KFC for my sister. I think one of the workers recognised me. Or maybe I was just paranoid. I dont know. I do remember a lot of things when I'm around that area, like where we sat, standing next to him while ordering, people recognising me and all that.. :( Gosh, I miss those times.. I've actually been completely fine for last month, didn't cry at all. But today is kinda ruining it, I was going so well.. and my eyes are watery while I'm writing this but I gotta stay strong xD

So I'll head straight to the point? So far from everyone I've told this story to, 100% of them have said, 'be strong, move on, find someone else' and whenever I say that I want to still hope that he'll come back, or stay for him, they don't recommend it. I wish there was someone who did. Actually, I wish he'd say it. There are so many reasons for me to stay.. Well, for one, I loved everything about him, even his flaws. That was something I couldn't manage to accept in any other guy I dated. Second? Well because I could accept him, our relationship lasted longest. Third - we did a lot of stuff together. Before him, I was too scared to kiss any of my boyfriends, too scared to hold their hand. The most I felt comfortable with was just hugging. And trust me, even that took time to get used to XD When I met him, whenever we did that kind of stuff, it brought us closer. He made me trust him so much, that I was comfortable doing that stuff with him, to show that I cared for him. Don't worry, nothing too far. I'm saving it for marriage :) Umm.. forth? In my heart, he was the first guy where I genuinely thought, "he's the one I want to marry". I really could see him in my future. Unfortunately he doesn't think so.. or does he? I can never be too sure.. :( 'hoping for the best, expecting the worst' is a motto ive recently sworn by ever since things began falling down between us. And oh gosh, trust me, hoping is so painful when you expect that the worst is more likely to happen. It's the little, hard-to-reach ray of hope you see in the sky when all that surrounds you is darkness.. :( But what happens if I stay? Will God give me a second chance in 2 years time? I really do want him to be my first and last. And that's the reason why I hold on. I feel that this is the guy I've been waiting for, and that I shouldn't give up so easily. I feel as if he was my first boyfriend.


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