14 May 2011

"Goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend"

Today I went to Papa Roti with my awesome church RDG (radical discipleship group) leader, Sunny :) we dnmed, especially about my ex. And I guess she made me realise I deserve better, someone who will never give up on me even if the world throws a million reasons that he should. I guess Chinese people could refer to the 'Fox and Grapes' story LOL. To speak disparagingly of something you cannot attain :( Anyway.. she also told me that she went through something slightly similar, the whole fact that it was hard to move on. And so she gave me advice and told me the best way to move on is to kind of stay away from contact with him, until I'm confident I've moved on. She's right. I mean, every time I think I've moved on, he suddenly posts statuses about this 'girl' that he supposedly can't stop thinking about. And I'm back to where I started ==" For all I know, he could be referring to the porn star he dreamt about last night :L I realise its just wishful thinking that its me. He never wrote stuff that sweet when we were together. And as soon as he pushes me out, he gets all romantic. What the heck.

Anyway so I took the initiative, and decided its time to stop trying to get involved in his life. I know i've blogged heaps of time about moving on. But this is a huge step. To erase nearly everything. I can't stand to delete all the messages, even back to when he first confessed and ask me to be his girlfriend. Sigh. He'll probably thank me for letting him ago anyway. In fact he's probably waited for this day to come for so long. Of course, I feel incredibly upset and sad that I made this choice, and slack to him, but I just want him to be happy, and for him to be that, I gotta move on and stop trying to want him back. And to stop wanting him, the best (but hardest option) is to erase all physical memories that keep me holding on.. I know, its the worst and cruelest option right? Richard, if you're reading this, you were my most beloved. You were the best I ever had. You were the first I could imagine marrying in the future. I never wanted to do this, but I have to, if I want you to be happy. Please don't take it the wrong way. But I've tried so hard to still be your friend, but maybe my undeniable feelings for you keep getting in the way, I really can't be your friend after all. I'm so sorry. I'm so heartbroken that I had to do this.. But its the only way to move on..

Deleted off facebook. Unfollowed on twitter. Deleted number. (Damn, I still remember it off by heart though ==").. Deleted messages. That last one.. is the hardest. I deleted all the ones on my blackberry. But the texts he sent me when he first confessed and ask me to be his girlfriend, the sweetest messages, they're on my old phone. I don't want to delete those, but my dad uses my old phone and he most likely deleted them already :(

Still have to delete off msn and skype. And put away his jacket, birthday present, drawing and letter.. maybe in a box.. on top of my cupboard..

Goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend..
*this goodbye is not forever

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